Chapters I till X

Chapter III

Ah come on, hell no..?!?! I wake up annoyed, feeling a wave of irritation hitting me and my confident right in the face.
How does my phone manage to switch off the sound of the alarm when I most need it..I know I dropped it in the snow, but HOW?!
It’s 1.30 in the afternoon as I roll out of bed after yet another night of wasting my energy.

My whole sleeping pattern has shifted, overthinking every move I made within the last 24 hours has become a standard.
I promised myself to make this New York getaway the moment where I figure out what I want to do with myself, with my life.
And I know that picture became much clearer during the past 10 months.
But now being here, surrounded by people yet all alone. It allows the voices in my head to speak up once more.
And they’re not humming the happy tunes at the moment.
Last Christmas I wrote down my to-do list for 2018.
And it worked out great. I made 2018 the year were I rediscovered myself, with my wildest dreams and interests attached to it.
There is so much more excitement running through my veins that one can tell when looking at my face.

But I have to be a bit more careful with myself at the moment, these voices in my head are starting to speak up a bit to much.
They shout, if that makes any sense.

– they must not control me, they must not control me – Trying not to think about anything makes you think about it all the time, argh I really should start meditating again.
These much needed life changing decisions, they need to be done.
But the closer it’s getting to January 1st, the more nervous I get. Back to pressuring my shoulders to the max.
And my shoulders already hurt, since I’ve been pushing my own strength a bit after lacking motivation to train in the past couple of days.
Never quit, never quit. Cha-cha your way through it, just don’t quit. It’s my mantra for this week.

Everything goes with ups and downs right? I feel like so little has happened in these past weeks I’ve spend here in NY, yet I’ve learned so much about myself.
In times of trouble (I won’t quote the rest of The Beatles song), you get to know your true self.
And I realize there is still a ‘easy to get annoyed person’ within me. Not as in arrogance, or bitchy or bored because I think I’ve seen it all.
It’s more because I’m starting to see that time should really become your best friend, if craving successes.

All the good things in life takes time. To achieve your goals you need a plan. And plan the steps you need to make to get where you want to be.
And to make those steps you need discipline, that comes from motivation. And the lessons you’ve learned from losses and failure.
But to succeed in all, from the first step till your end goal, you need time.

Understanding that your time on this planet is only a fraction of life on this round globe called Mother Earth.
Shared with millions of living creatures, each trying to find their own meaning in life.
I also noticed that I don’t celebrate my life as often as I would, as I should.

I mean, all the goals I’ve set in my life so far, I’ve achieved them. And it might have taken longer then I wanted to. But I achieved them.
Wanted to move to Amsterdam, did it.
Wanted to learn the art that is boxing, doing it.
Wanted to start a blog, did it.
Wanted to continue my love for writing since the age of 4 and see where it can take me, doing it.
Wanted to visit NYC for 3 months to take a breather/network and train, did it.

And besides that, in-between all those things; I got my drivers license, met some incredible people while working for several companies, choose the wrong educations, realized once again I hate school, learned from my mistakes, noticed I have this immense hunger for learning from individuals that have succeeded in saying fuck-it more often, dated, got heart broken, trained hard and got stronger, and so on and on and on.

And this is 1% of all that happened in the past 26 years, but it’s all I can think about right now.

The thing is, I must celebrate my time spend achieving and failing more often.
‘Cause without failure I would’ve never appreciated all that is part of my life these days, nor have the freakin’ hunger to go for whatever the hell I want.
And trust me, it took me quite a few years to gain that mindset.

Also, when I mean celebrating I mean a pat on the back, watching a sunrise, drinking a cup of coffee in your favourite cafe, looking in the mirror and telling yourself you’re crushing it.
All these celebrations make you grow, but in wisdom and mindset instead of wideness and weight.
It’s a better way which I became aware of after spending my teenage years and early twenties, jojo-ing and feeling miserable eating processed food and drinking sugary soda.
Managed to lose weight? Perfect, I celebrated it by eating a pack of cookies. Finished writing a story? Yes, went out to eat some cake. Cleaned up my room and put stuff up for donation? Good, then I made myself a cup of coffee with sugar syrup and a whole bag of chips to top it off.

It took me some time to breakthrough through those patterns, see the addiction that is sugar and my love for it.
But I did. And I managed to do so. And this doesn’t mean I haven’t had any sweets ever since, but I’m just more aware of what I’m doing.
And this mindset is exactly what I need for my writing and to get where I want to be.
To not get unbalanced by a little hiccup and to see even the biggest problems as little hiccups.
‘Cause the more time I spend on overthinking, the less time I get to spend to celebrate successes.
To not get annoyed by life not always going your way, but to say fuck it – bring it.
To do whatever the hell I want to, because I can.
I have a mind that is eager to learn, legs to run for miles, friends that became family and support me unconditionally, dreams that sticked around during the lowest points in my life.
But above all that, I have time. And the time that is giving me until the day I die is mine.
13 weeks to spend by myself, better spend it wisely and make an investment for the future, breakthrough parallels.

I close my laptop and stare at the blank wall.
I know I’m not pregnant, but men this could be part of a good motivational mother speech for any kid that doubts him/herself.
I laugh a little while tears roll over my cheeks.
Not because I’m disappointed after finding out I’m not pregnant. But to think I see myself as a motivational speaker, a person of inspiration.
That’s something I never thought I could be. But then again, time happened. And I learned things. Maybe it’s time to spread some positivity and spread my own wings.

When writing in the middle of the night.

As they were washing her open wounds, scars marked her entire back. I looked her in the eyes, asked if she wasn’t hurt. But with a dead stare she snapped out of it, taking her back to Earth. Mindset is key, it’s the one thing I have learned. To out rule the pain, to gracefully lose my focus. I let the voices in my head take over, stain my mind with the noises. To not feel is what I know, to want to die is what I wished. But they’re helping me stay, fixing the wounds. No scars, no nothing they can’t succeed in. Give me your time, then I’ll have your pain. I can take this.

The art of overthinking