It seems as if the days drag on.
My thoughts are miserable and not worth writing about. I chose the name for my blog posts with care. I am a successful woman because I can change my mind. I am a success because I want to be, because I choose to be. But it feels like a lie. You may present yourself differently to the outside world, but not to yourself. The problem is that my behaviour and actions don’t always match what I would like it to be. I want to show that I am sustainable. But recently I ordered a bunch of items at AliExpress, all separately, all send separately to The Netherlands. Well, there you go with the sustainability lifestyle and mindset. Since there are still a few positive thoughts swirling through my mind, that I haven’t forgotten of, I’m able to ‘reverse it’. The thought; ‘what is going well?, comes to mind every time I beat myself up mentally (and yes, I am good at boxing).
I mainly buy second-hand-clothing, I have bamboo straws (which I don’t use because I never use straws anyways). My shampoo no longer comes in bottles but are soap bars. I donate or give away my clothing to others who can still use it. So There are plenty of things in which I do pursue my sustainability dream. But what exactly goes wrong in my head?
Tony Robbins once mentioned 2 things.
We become depressed if our actions do not match what or who we want to be. In addition, he made the statement that if things go very well at some point in our lives, another part is likely to suffer. There is always something that does not go well, because it is all too much to keep in balance. If you are busy with your diet and body everyday, because you are in the gym all day, then there is a good chance that your family will suffer. They may see you less. Or you can stay in the gym all day, then take the children out of school, exercise together and eat healthy. But have no income because you have no job.
On that note, I am so jealous of people who seen to have their lives in balance. Anyway, I don’t know what their home looks like, maybe their house is a complete mess. Or they can’t control their children at all. I don’t know. In fact, I don’t want to know, because I don’t want to have a judgement about it. Because who am I to judge other people’s behaviour? I don’t do that. But in the meantime I am judging myself very hard. I am not neat enough. I don’t have self-discipline. I am not keeping my promises to myself.
So my focus in the near future will be more on self-love. I’m going to look at myself, see myself for who I am, who I want to be, and how to be her. Without judging everything that happens in-between. I have noticed that I recently needed new clothes. Shoes, jackets, dresses, pants, blouses. I bought everything from home and mainly second-hand. And although it was a very rebellious thing to do, knowing my frugal side and non-materialistic side were screaming from the sideline, wondering why. It nevertheless felt good to put myself in the spotlight that way.
It felt good to say, dear Jemaine, you deserve this. You are worth it. No matter how stupid it sounds, I got that feeling after buying 10 pairs of shoes. I like to share what I have with other. It is easier if someone says, “Oh, I like that”, and buy it for that person that to buy anything for myself. Because why did I deserve it? I’m not worth it. These thoughts go through my mind.
But this month is different. I spoil myself now. That may not be consistent with who I am, but with who I would like to be. I mean, there’s a reason why I have ‘me first’ tattooed on my wrist. I can’t just put others first. If I want to be the woman of success, I will occasionally have to disappoint people. Because I am chasing my own dreams, not theirs. I have to put myself first.
In order to stop feeling that the days are dragging on, I am going to do things differently. Listening to my own needs. I don’t want to clean? Then I won’t clean. But I do want to have a neat house? Then I have to provide a different solution. Let someone else do it. Don’t have the money for it? Make sure you get it. For example, I find working an extra day per month a lot less bad than cleaning every day for 2 hours. I just want to do what I enjoy and what makes me feel good. I want me to shine and shine again for days. I’m going to take back the motivation I had when I chose the name; ‘Study of a girl, by the successful woman’.
I can do this. I want this. And I am going to fight for it. The struggles are real. But you can beat them.