I will soon become a mother for the 2nd time! I am really looking forward to it. And above that, I am really looking forward to holding a baby in my arms again and to see how my son Micah suddenly becomes a big brother. Besides me becoming a mother again and Micah a big brother, we also have a third party involved, the father. In the beginning he made himself very clear that he did not wanted to get involved with the seed he had planted in me, but after a few months it improved and he also wants to participate in our family life. He even now occasionally looks forward to becoming a father. Positive development of course since it is more fun for the baby to have two parents, but a change for me and my mind set.
One of the reasons the relationship was about to end for me is the many arguments we use to have. My ex has been a lot of fun to be around together with my son, but could get explosively angry at times. So angry that he started screaming and at times I didn’t feel safe around him. That’s not how I imagined a relationship, and really, we worked on it, but we couldn’t figure it out. That’s why we quit the relationship to make things calmer and more pleasant for each other.
But then I turned out to be pregnant. I could have kept it to myself, I could have informed him and left nothing further. But what I did is at all the important moments, like ultrasounds, the nip test that failed and more of these things, I told him about it. Because I was projecting a little bit. I’d like to be kept up to date, so he probably would. But by involving him in this way he changed his mind and also wants to deal with our daughter.
But the big problem is that anger. How should we deal with that. I told him it was all well and good that he wants to get involved in raising our daughter. But that he would have to speak to a specialist beforehand, or that he would have to follow a training to deal with his anger in a constructive way. Sooner said than done of course. At least if he himself also had the feeling that he should do something about it. The contact became more intense and his role as a father becomes clearer every day. But his interpretation of dealing with anger is not yet complete. So I decided to look for it myself and ended up with two things. An online course that should take a look at itself and Regine Herbig’s book Constructively dealing with rage and anger.
What particularly appealed to me about this title is that it is not very judgmental. To my knowledge, anger is an expression of an underlying emotion that is not answered. Tony Robbins said it beautifully in one of his seminars. “People always respond in two ways, out of love or out of anger. If they react in anger, it means that they fall short of something.” That is addressed very well in this book. Anger stems from the fact that certain needs are not being met.
The writer has divided the book into 6 chapters with sub-parts.
Chapter 1 is learning to see Conditioning. This chapter mainly discusses how you can see the need behind the anger. Suppose you get angry because it is a mess in the house, then there is probably a need for a quiet and tidy house. In addition, we look at your own responsibility if you are angry or the other person gets angry and how you could express any needs that you learn to distil so that they are also clear to the other person.
Chapter 2 is about the physiology of anger. What happens to your body when you get angry and what can you do to calm your own mind. For example, taking a time-out and breathing in a targeted manner.
This way your heart becomes calmer again.